Why Am I Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People?
- Ashley Kaylor
- Jun 8
- 3 min read
If you found yourself here, it’s probably not because you were casually browsing.
It’s because you’ve had it.
Another ghost. Another “I’m not ready for anything serious.”
Another person who pulled you in, made you feel seen… and then vanished the second things got real.
And now you're sitting there wondering: “What is wrong with me? Why do I keep choosing people like this?”
If you’ve ever found yourself Googling, “why am I attracting emotionally unavailable people?” you’re not alone. And you’re definitely not crazy. You’re not broken, but something is going on.
You’re Not Attracting Them. You’re Drawn to Them
You might think emotionally unavailable people are “finding” you, but what’s really happening is this: You’re unconsciously pulled to them. Like clockwork.
Why? Because they feel familiar. Not in a healthy way. In a nervous system déjà vu kind of way. If love felt uncertain growing up, if you had to perform, people-please, or tiptoe to earn affection, then your body learned something powerful:
Love = Anxiety.
Love = Proving.
Love = Waiting.
So when someone shows up inconsistent or hard to reach, your system lights up like, “Ohhhh, I know this game.” That’s not chemistry. That’s your trauma trying to resolve itself.
Your Attachment Style Is In the Driver’s Seat
Even if you know logically what you should want, your body has its own agenda.
Anxious? You chase people who keep you guessing. You confuse longing with love.
Avoidant? You might flirt with closeness and then feel the urge to pull back, choosing people who won’t challenge that.
Disorganized? You get stuck in chaos cycles, craving connection but fearing it at the same time.
And listen, this isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about understanding yourself. Because the only way out of the pattern is through it.
You’re Addicted to the Highs (Even When They Hurt)
You say you want something stable, safe, secure, but then someone shows up with good morning texts and consistency and- you’re bored.
Meanwhile, the person who leaves your messages on “read” for three days?
You can’t stop thinking about them.
You spiral.
You wait.
You hold on for crumbs.
Why? Because your body is trained to associate unavailability with value. It’s the high of unpredictability. The dopamine hit of “maybe this time.” It’s not love. It’s a f*cking rollercoaster. And you're tired.
It’s Not About Them. It’s About What You Learned Love Was
This one might hit deep: Sometimes we keep choosing unavailable people because deep down, we’re afraid of being fully seen.
If someone actually showed up, loved you properly, held space for your mess and your magic… would you know what to do with it? Or would you sabotage it, second-guess it, push it away?
The truth is: We attract what matches our internal blueprint. If you don’t believe you’re safe, worthy, or enough… you’ll choose people who confirm that.
How to Stop Asking “Why Am I Attracting Emotionally Unavailable People”
Let’s not sugarcoat it. Healing this pattern is gritty. It’s not overnight, but it is possible.
Start here:
Identify your attachment style. Know the lens you’re seeing love through.
Notice the pattern. Who are you drawn to, and how do they make you feel in your body?
Rewire the nervous system. Start practicing safety. Not just emotionally, somatically.
Reparent yourself. Give yourself the validation, warmth, and consistency you keep chasing externally.
Choose differently. Even when it feels uncomfortable. Especially when it feels boring at first. Because sometimes peace feels like a red flag when all you've known is chaos.
Bottom line? You are not destined to keep loving people who can’t love you back. You are not here to chase, fix, or earn someone’s attention. You are allowed to be chosen without performing. You are allowed to rest in love, not wrestle for it.
My program, Attached & Aligned, goes straight to the root.
Your patterns. Your power.
Let’s make unavailable love a thing of the past.
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