Why Your Nervous System Chooses Chaos—and Calls It Love

Ashley Kaylor
Apr 22
2 min read

Updated: Apr 22

She doesn’t love me back. And she never will.

Let’s rip the band-aid off: You’re not in love. You’re in a loop.

And it’s not even your fault. Your nervous system —thinks love equals survival. Chaos equals connection.

And survival? Looked a lot like walking on eggshells, feeling not enough, and craving people who stayed just close enough to keep you chasing.

So when the “chill partner” shows up-

When someone sees you, hears you, stays?

Your body goes: “Where’s the butterflies?”

That’s not chemistry. That’s cortisol.

Why Your Nervous System Chooses Chaos on Repeat

Hate to say it , but your body isn’t wired for peace. It’s wired for what’s familiar.

That person who gave you butterflies? They also gave you anxiety, mixed signals, and a subconscious reminder of how love felt when you were younger—unstable, conditional, and confusing.

So while your mind craves calm.

Your body is out here swiping right on chaos like it’s your job.

The Hard Truth (That’s Also Your Freedom)

Until you teach your body that peace is safe, you’ll keep choosing chaos and calling it fate.

You’ll ghost the good ones.

You’ll get bored when it’s healthy.

You’ll trauma bond and call it love.

But once you start to heal—once you rewire those patterns—

You stop craving the chase.

You stop needing the apology that never comes.

You stop performing to be chosen.

You start choosing yourself. And that’s when everything changes.

How You Begin

Here’s what healing actually looks like.....

Not aesthetics.

Not just affirmations.

Not bypassing.

It looks like this:

Learning your attachment style and how it shows up
Regulating your nervous system before you respond
Asking: Is this boring… or safe, and I just don’t recognize it yet?
Reparenting the version of you who thought love had to be earned
Letting in people who feel like peace, even when it’s unfamiliar

This is the work I guide my clients through every day. Because you can’t create healthy love while your body is still waiting for the next emotional hit.