Inside An Anxious Brain -The True Story.

I want a relationship.

Actually, that's not true. I mean I do. I think.

God, see? This is the problem.

I want a relationship until I get one. Then suddenly I have seventeen concerns.

Not real concerns. Potential concerns. Hypothetical concerns. Concerns that haven't happened yet, but absolutely could.

I spend months saying I want to meet someone. I tell my friends. I pray about it.

I journal about it. I complain about it. I romanticize strangers at coffee shops.

Then I finally meet someone and immediately begin looking for reasons it's not going to work.

Not because I want it to fail. Because I don't want to be surprised.

There's a difference. Or maybe there isn't. I just don't know anymore!!!

Because everyone says anxious people look for problems. But what if the problems are actually there? Well, nobody talks about that now, do they??

What if I'm right? I've been right before.

Like a lot. So now what?

Am I Anxious or Just Paying Attention?

Am I anxious or observant?

Am I intuitive or insecure?

Am I picking up on something or creating something?

How would I know? I'm so sick of this bullshit.

People always say, "Just reassure yourself."

No.

I don't want to reassure myself. I want him to reassure me.

There. I said it.

I don't want to journal. I don't want to meditate. I don't want to breathe into my diaphragm. I want him to text me back. That's what I want.

Because somehow one text from him does more for my nervous system than forty-five minutes of personal development. Which is annoying. And embarrassing. And probably unhealthy, but also very true.

Whatever everyone can judge me. I don't even care anymore.

And then when he does text me back, I'm fine.

Until I'm not.

Because then I'll start wondering about something else....

Why did he say that?

Why didn't he say more?

Why did he heart the message?

Why didn't he heart the message?

Why am I like this?

And honestly, I don't even know if I need more attention than everyone else.

Sometimes I don't. Sometimes I disappear for hours. Sometimes I don't respond. Sometimes I'm busy and living my life and I barely think about him.

Then other days I wake up and suddenly I have concerns...

New concerns.

Fresh concerns.

Legitimate concerns, (despite what others may think).

And also concerns I apparently didn't have yesterday.

But truth is, nothing changed. Nothing happened.

Tuesday me is fine. Wednesday me needs answers. Thursday me thinks he's pulling away. Friday me is planning our future. Saturday me thinks I should end it before I get hurt.

It's exhausting!!!!!

And then I start wondering if secure people feel like this. Or do they just wake up and go about their day?

Do they not care? No, they must care. Maybe they care less. Or maybe they care the same amount but somehow don't turn every feeling into a twelve-part investigation.

They probably don't care as much as I do, because they're not as invested as I am? Or maybe because he's dating other people? Yeah that's it. He's fooling around. I knew it.

Ughh, but wait. I don't know that exactly for sure. Ughh, but do I?

And then there's the whole attracting-what-you-are thing....

Am I attracting anxious people?

Am I attracting avoidant people?

Am I attracting emotionally unavailable people?

Am I emotionally unavailable?

Because if I need this much reassurance, how could I possibly attract someone secure? But then if I have to become completely secure before finding love, then nobody should be dating.

So that can't be right either. And around and around and around we go. FML seriously!

Meanwhile, he's probably just living his life, completely unaware I've built six different theories and rejected five of them. And that's maybe the most ridiculous part.

Half the time the relationship isn't happening.

The relationship is over there.

The anxiety is happening over here.

And somehow I keep treating them like they're the same thing.

Maybe I'll read this tomorrow and think I'm completely overreacting.

Or maybe I'll read it tomorrow and think I missed something.

Honestly, that's kind of the whole problem.

ClarityCall